Here I Am!

I don’t know if I really thought my dream of becoming a "rockstar" all the way through, all I know is that it was always lying under the surface.  It was there in my earliest memories: the first time I saw Grease at 3 years old, singing and dancing along every time it came on the television,  the eight track player in the “fancy living room” and Billy Joels’ Stranger album that I put in the machine as often as I was allowed so that I could sing along and dance on the corduroy plaid couch, and singing along to Fleetwood Mac in the backseat of my aunt’s car on random rides. I KNOW it was definitely there while watching Solid Gold hoping to become their next dancer every Saturday night and on Sunday mornings listening to Casey Kasem countdown the American Top 40 while singing along and trying to record the best ones on time. 

I wish I could say that after the elementary years of playing Madonna and Laura Branigan it faded away, but then came Debbie Gibson and Tiffany and they made it seem plausible.  My parents gifted me a keyboard and microphone during those awkward preteen years, and I just want to take this time to apologize to my three sisters, who shared my bedroom, for all the “music” I put them through!  Then, through the Mariah Carey years and EnVouge era it just grew stronger, that inner desire to sing and dance my heart out to a large audience. 

I cannot count the number of homework assignments I skipped just so I could choreograph music videos and SNL appearances in front of the dresser mirror everyday after school.  Maturing into a young adult and entering the age of grunge did not change these urges either.  I was constantly putting on “concerts” in front of the couches in the living room to WBRU’s Friday night countdown while the family went out for the evening.  Sarah McLachlan, Sheryl Crow, and Fiona Apple were my life!  

Once, I even clipped out an audition call from The Providence Phoenix.  I stared at it several times a day, willing myself to call the number and try out for the “female lead singer with Shirley Manson influences that writes lyrics”.  It was as if they were looking for me! I was so torn between calling to just see what would happen if I tried and the fear of trying out only to find out I wasn’t any good.  Unfortunately I pocketed my bravery and went back to my regular life of finishing up college, waitressing, and tending bar.  The next year I got an upper respiratory infection and after several months with a hacking cough and lack of voice I discovered that I could no longer hit the beautiful melodies I enjoyed belting out on my long car rides home without inciting a coughing fit.  My dreams of stardom were over.  I relegated myself to singing in my room and when I moved in with my future husband, the living room while he was at work. All the while, quietly wondering what could have been.

Although my mom says she is still a fan of my rendition of “Like a Bird” by Nelly Furtardo and my husband enjoys my crooning when I let my guard down long enough for him to catch me, I let my singing dreams go.  I can honestly say that a little piece of my spirit died when I finally threw out that expired newspaper ad clipping and I personally don’t ever want to feel that sense of regret again.  

Which leads me to my current dilemma of yet again, having an opportunity to draw attention to my very vulnerable self publicly and trying my hardest not to chicken out.

As it turns out, my dream of fame is a lot of fun, in my head. However, the reality of putting myself out there in front of an audience of people with preconceived ideas of what they would like to see and hear or opinions that may or may not be very kind is actually quite crippling. So much so that I have spent the entirety of the modern social media era avoiding any and all social media completely.  I just couldn’t understand the need for anyone in the entire world to bear witness to my life.  Although, as I am typing this out I can’t help but notice that all of my singing was done mainly in private (with the exception of my awkward church choir years at Our Lady of Grace).  Aside from my family, there are very few people out there that know I even enjoy music, let alone belting out my favorite jams.  It now occurs to me that my real fear is not of fame, but of being seen.  But isn’t that the same for all of us?  Our minds chattering at us,  “What if someone sees the real me, and I am rejected?”, “What if they don’t like me?”, “What if they don’t accept me?” 

My soul knows that deep down we all just want to be loved for exactly who we are and because of this longing and fear of judgment we either put on masks or hide away to protect ourselves.  That’s why I believe it is so important for me to finally come out of the shadows and share myself with you at this time.  Because now more than ever it is imperative that we search for that very real person that lives right below the surface and fall in love with them finally, without care or fear of what others may think. It is time we discover for our own selves our true inner Self and learn to share them openly!   We all have special gifts in this world and we are all here for a reason.

So please be gentle with me as I embark on this new leap onto an unknown stage, take that inner bravery from out of my pocket, and do the thing that I was never quite able to do: be vulnerable in front of an audience and learn to share my real true authentic Self…Amie Beth Guimond the 48 year old woman that still puts on concerts… for her dogs… when no one else is home. 🤣🤩🥰