Living the Dream-Part 2

My life was mapped out for me in my mind's eye for as long as I could remember.  I lived every portion of that dream and saw everything I ever wished for come to fruition.  It was exactly as it should have been and led me right to the point where I had everything I ever wanted.  (You can read more about this in part 1) Then I woke up sometime in my early to mid 40’s to realize (slowly, not all at once) that I wasn’t very happy.  It wasn’t an obvious thing and it certainly wasn’t all consuming unhappiness, but anyone that dared to look closely enough past my smiley face could tell that something was off.  I never planned for this part of the dream life and I certainly didn’t see it coming.

My first thought was shame, how dare I be ungrateful for the amazing life that I got to live everyday.  I had everything I ever wanted, the loving husband, the 2 terrific kids, the little white house, pets, and the career I dreamed and worked so hard for.  How could I feel so melancholy when I had nothing to complain about???  What I was unaware of at the time and what has taken me a while to both acknowledge and accept is that life had another plan for my 2.0…the No Plan.

There were a lot of stops in the journey of my happily ever after to my what comes next???.  The first had many names, some used depression, others said mid life crises, while others called it a dark night of the soul.  I didn’t get through this part alone, but sometimes it felt that way.  I had a wonderful support team, got in touch with an amazing councilor, cuddled a lot with my dog watching movies and sitcoms, and was held together by my husband and the help of Sam Smith radio on Pandora.  Oh, and Candy Crush…I played a lot of Candy Crush.

Without repeating myself too much, as I have written about a lot of this in other posts,  I came to a space where after about 5 years, I left the classroom at the end of the 2020/2021 school year.  I have spent the last few years learning a completely new way of doing life.  

The conditioned part of my human experience first had to wrap my head around not “working” any longer.  I was able to procrastinate this uncomfortability by staying very busy doing things at home and working on my certification.  Over time I started noticing that my worth had become tied up in performance and productivity.  This had lingering effects and can still rear its ugly head every so often.  I had to learn that just being me and doing the things I am called to do when I am called to do them can be an interesting way of living that actually has less stress and possibly even more reward than the goal oriented life I was and sometimes still am learning to step away from.

Trying to convince a reforming people pleasing perfectionist that a lack of ambition towards a future goal is a less stressful way to live is a new type of stress all its own.  Learning to relax and trust life has you and always will has become the new journey.  

I started realizing it during my coursework when people would ask what I was going to do with my certification, this little voice in my head that wasn’t sure but could imagine it was going to be useful eventually.  I started making peace with not knowing what came next.  The more I became more comfortable with an unknown future, the cooler my future became.  I can’t explain the magic of learning to let go and then being rewarded for it, I just know that it works. However, sometimes you don’t know that things are working for you until you look back at them.  

As I approach the 5 year mark of my being out of the classroom and part of this entirely new life of being more of a “freespirit” I can look back and be so grateful for the amazing life I have gotten to live so far.  I thoroughly enjoyed Part 1, and I got to keep all of my favorite parts with me into Part 2 (the great unknown).  I also have loved all the amazing and unbelievable adventures I have gotten to have as a result of letting that old life go and learning a new way going forth.  

I am so lucky to have gotten to see my life and my dreams come true,  the fact that I was given that blessing is never lost on me.  I am also appreciative for the darker, more apathetic periods.  They lead me to my next paths when it’s time and when I’m not so good at listening to the desire of my heart and soul. 

Today I am practicing the art of living in the moment in a more trusting and open hearted fashion.  If I feel called to go out I go out, if my inner voice leads me to a new course I take it, if my intuition says to take out my singing bowls and play some healing music for my aging pups I do that too.  Heck, it even tells me to do the dishes before I sit down with my journal (although that might still be conditioning) but at least the kitchen looks clean while I write and enjoy a cup of tea.  

I don’t know how all of the little threads and adventures of my life, so far, will weave together. But I bet from hindsight it will be exactly the right thing at exactly the right time, and I have no plans to change that.