The Many Lives of Life

I was recently looking at an old picture of my now adult children when they were very young sitting on my husband’s lap.  They were both smiling giant smiles up at him and he was somehow taking them both in and glowing back at them.  I am not one to usually get all sentimental or even fixate on missing my children when they were small, for I have truly enjoyed watching them grow as people through their various stages and relished the ebbs and flows our relationships have developed into over time as they have grown into the really great adult humans that I still love being around.   Yet, on this particular day, I was caught by the fact that this picture was just a snap shot in time…and as much as I remember them being small and dependent, cuddly and lovable in the way only toddlers and young children are…the life that we shared at that particular moment in time seemed to feel lifetimes in the past.

Fixate as I do about these musings when I get caught up in my head, it began to occur to me how many of these lifetimes I had already lived in the mere half way point of my existence.  In the course of my almost 50 years, I have lived several iterations of Amie Beth.  I started off as a shy, loving, happy, little soul singing made up ditties and hanging with family.  I have vivid memories of waking in the morning and tuning into Mr. Rogers and my friends on Sesame Street singing along to counting songs and learning about cooperation.  I could have been caught talking with my stuffed animals, dancing around the living room to Billy Joel’s Stranger 8 track, or intensely content to entertain myself in my mini rocking chair reading my Little Golden Books.  Sometimes this feels more like yesterday than the last decade.

I’ve been the responsible older sister and the playful daydreamer.  The awkward friend and naive classmate.  I have spent time as a waitress, hostess, bartender, weekend babysitter, and even did a stint at a toy store all while I studied my way through college. I spent a few years being a frequent guest of dance clubs as well as being a concert and festival fanatic. (My kids think it’s hilarious that I was at Woodstock 99 and that I left early because it really was a trainwreck.)   I “cruised the Ave.”, participated in the 90’s pool hall scene and carried my own in a mosh pit of the more polite mid 90’s persuasion.  I lived a brief but brave life of packing up my car and moving from MA to VA at 23 years old sight unseen to start my life with Chris and begin part one of my teaching career.  

I got the honor of a lifetime when we moved back to be with family as I spent 8 years as a mostly stay at home mom to my amazing, funny, and playful children.  We played Little People, dressed up like pirates, finger painted, and watched Laurie Berkner sing silly kid songs on Noggin.  I went to a Wiggles concert and knew all the words to every song, had a Zoo membership and visited our parents houses every weekend (and some weekdays too) to spend time with family.

I have lived the very busy life of a working mom.  There was a period of about a decade where I got up early to get the kids and I ready for school, put them in the car with me, brought them with me to work, taught 25-30 other children aged 6-10, maybe had 5 minutes to pee and 15 minutes to choke down a lunch and then dismiss my students to welcome my own kids back into my room as I helped with homework, dolled out snacks, and got my classroom ready for the next day.  All before we went home to make dinner, go to sporting events or dance classes, get ready for bedtime routines and read alouds. Plus somehow fitting dance parties and fun into the mix before I graded papers and prepared to do it all again day after day.  Saturdays were filled with housework, laundry, grocery shopping, gymnastic class, tee ball/basketball/whatever fad extracurricular and more fun,  often with the help of our Busch Gardens passes.  Sundays were for church services, volunteer work, and getting ready to do it all over again.  Thank goodness for the mental/physical energy and drive of the 30-40 year old body and summer vacations!

I’ve gone through periods of mini depression, black night of the soul seasons, and burn out.  Not my favorite versions of me, but necessary to get me to the next seasons of life and for that I am grateful. I got brave again and quit teaching to pursue my life’s passions and find out who I truly am so I can share what I learn with others. 

I went through a period of wearing nothing but Life is Good tee shirts and braids to running around barefoot in the backyard with pigtails and long flowy skirts.  I’m currently doing a stint as a meditating hippie type complete with sound healing sessions for my dogs courtesy of my singing bowls and attempting to take my morning yoga practice outside on days when the pollen isn’t so bad.

All of this to say that sometimes some of these people I have been can feel like fuzzy memories, almost like a past life, and sometimes bits and pieces come back in and trickle into the day to day.  Every single version gets examined and reimagined to lose the parts that were there for others appeasement or societal conditioning and bring more parts of the authentic version surrounded by joy and purpose.

I have been immersing more of mySelf into the NOW and finding it increasingly difficult to plot and plan for future events.  It creates a rare sense of peace to just move moment to moment filtering out things that don’t really matter in each moment in time.  Perhaps that is why it took me a couple of months to get back to my writing, or maybe it’s because I felt like I had nothing profound to say about the state of affairs outside myself at this time.  I have no answers, only hope and guidance to keep moving forward into the next life that awaits me within this one.

While I see who I become next, I continue to play my bowls several times a week sending love, peace, and alignment to us all.  May it find you in the life you are currently wearing at this time and move you into the place where you are called to live next.  But if you happen to be in the space where you are lucky enough to be with very loving, playful, and joyful people, creatures, places and/or Self... stay and linger a little extra bit longer.  

Blessings to You in Love and Light. -Amie